Mental

Even when they shut me off

Paralyzing my shell

I am still here

I may not be able to say it

But I want you to hold my heart

I am still here understanding all that you say

It’s ok if you get scared because I am too

So for one moment take the mental away

And let’s connect physically

Because inside I am still here

An Ill Prisoner

It’s like having an adrenaline rush that never goes away (because you are sick because of the neurons because they never stop and what we will give will still make you sick just in a different place and then maybe you won’t feel crazy),

Constantly fearing, anticipating (I want it to stop I want it to go away, why won’t it go away, will I always feel like this, will the worst happen because maybe if I just prepare for it every second of the day then it won’t be so bad when it actually happens)

The night, the day, the sun, the rain (the nights and the mornings are the worst but if I cry enough then just maybe it will take away the sickness in the pit of my stomach and then my puffy eyes may just be swollen enough to make me fall asleep until I wake up scared and then try and figure out the ways to make the day go so fast that it will be over again)

It’s knowing that all control is gone, stripping me of my dignity and sanity (No, you can’t control it when they just keep firing, it feels like it is spiraling, spiraling out of control, and to the whole world you probably look great as you spin and spin and spin)

It’s being ill. (Yes, we can give you something that will make you so sick that it will make you well, you just have to slowly suffer these next few weeks as your body learns to become something it is not. It is like a bad virus, a bad bacteria, we have to be aggressive to kill it)

It’s being a prisoner. (Just try and survive 20 minutes at a time, and know that as your insides turn inside out it will someday become normal, yes someday you will actually know what normal is, all you have to do is stay ill and cringe as your head and stomach cry out with pain. We can even give you drugs to knock you out so you can’t even feel, oh but you do not want them? Well then I guess you just have to endure it. After all, it only takes a few months before you will feel human again..)

I feel like an ill prisoner (Yes, you are shackled to your genes, decades long of genetic imprints which have programmed you to be this way, the way that has destroyed the family before you, yes you have the same illness which destroyed them, do you see how you could end up? But don’t worry about it because we have the way to cure you. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Don’t worry.)

Flake

It’s times like these

I can sense the vacuous container before me

Glittered with bright colored streamers

So alluring, so thin

Barely held on by temporary adhesive of false promises

Flaking off like the patience in my heart

Flaking.

Eternal Rest

In fitful slumber I found myself in an unfamiliar situation,

For once feeling completely content, calm

Simultaneously overflowing, bubbling, BURSTING with dominating exctiement

Your parents, our parents stared foggily

As their misty eyes told stories of love and acceptance

Young siblings danced through the entryway

Taunting each other with mischievous grins.

I could not tell you what was worn

The floral arrangements left no memory,

No, not even the food can be recalled.

But the imprint that was overwhelmingly powerful

Was when through the masses of people

You found me.

Instantaneously I felt a pleasure

No carnal desire could match.

It transcended any realm I had ever experienced

Years of waiting for this moment

Despite all the pain and aching

We were conquerers

Our gazes, bodies and souls intertwined

For once I had nothing to say, nothing needed to be utttered

And even in my dreaming state I knew

I was about to become yours, you to become mine.

Something I had never before felt in such surreal reality.

Some say the deepest suppressed truths are manifested in dreams.

So here it is exposed:

Even the deepest cells in my body know that their optimal state is with you.

Reflection

Whenever I think of you and wonder how you are

I can look in the mirror

Stare into your eyes, study your face

My heart can beat with joy or disdain

Simultaneous booming resonating throughout

Or I can listen to a song and hear your musical brain appreciating it

Brain pathways aligned

Flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood

To remember you I just need to remember to breathe.

Chemical Warfare

It’s like my brain has drawn the battle lines with my body

Constantly fluctuating between ill and well, so extreme

Natural chemicals make the body so strong

As the brain keeps firing firing firing firing firing

Firing.

So incessant and overbearing, a heightened state of tense arousal

The only rare release through the small crevices in the corner of my eyes, seeping out without control.

Forcing the body to make involuntary reactions

I retaliate.

The synthetic chemicals infiltrate my system like lingering radiation…slowly, steadily

Killing the excessive neurotransmitters and taking intestines and nutrients, innocent bystanders.

The battle is shown through my shaking hands, night sweats, ill……ill…………….ill……………………..ill

Ill.

Smiling while ill.

Should one have to choose the battle between body and mind?

Tired and defeated, the brain raises a white flag in surrender.

Healthy.

Youthful beginnings

There are times where I can feel it

The subtle resentment

Not anger or hatred

Polite and trying so hard for me not to see

Not resenting me

But the sense of obligatory commitment

The ball and chain

Do I make you feel like a prisoner?

If I could change anything

I would return to youthful beginnings

Where emotions ran more rampant, more deep, not routinized

So we could blend those years of experience

With the faith of a child, the excitement and joy of blind love

Where we united only out of want and desire

Instead of the forced and unwanted

Would you journey there with me?

Can you take the pressure off so we can just enjoy

Have fun

Laugh all the time

Run around

Play

Love the way it is supposed to be?

Because when I feel like no more than an obligation

I wish we had never met

Would you trust me

To love you

The way we used to?

Studying

Whenever I get bored

Tired

Frustrated

Scared

Overwhelmed

Nervous

At the pages in front of me.

I think of you

The child

The parent

The sick

The dying one who will change my life

Daily

Teaching me at every interaction

Then suddenlyI get excited

Awake

Accepting

Joyful

Ecstatic

Anticipating

You make it worth it.

Sanctity

Before speaking about sanctity of marriage

Let’s focus on sanctity of love

In a country where marriage

Is an unpopular trend

Broken and resealed more often than not

Where man and woman

Can join and disjoin with the ease of Scotch tape

However frequent and in any duration.

Whether for fun in Vegas

Elvis preacher aptly reflecting fabricated promises.

Or to escapeA life of spite and misery.

Please explain to me

When marriage has become a hobby

Why a man and a man cannot be considered true family

While one lay dying in hospital bed

Or please explain to me America

What makes you so much better

Where you can cheat on, hurt, tear down your spouse

But a woman and a woman

United in love

Cannot get health access or other rights based on legal standing.

You argue Biblical principles.Was this of what God spoke?

Over half divorced, countless affairs?

What birthright allows you to abuse your rights

When they get none at all?

Our constitution promises individual freedoms and rights

It says marriage is for a man and woman

Just like how black people counted as property

Tell me just who it is

That deserves the sanctity of marriage?

Fear

You may fear

The day I question

Challenge popular thought and ideals

Experiment

Make mistakes

Make big mistakes

Learn on my own

I fear

The day I stop.